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The pleasant bit:

Many happy returns ( a bit late) to sophia_helix and muridae_x. I hope the day itself was delightful and that the year to come is productive and happy.

And now...

(1) I owe people email. I am finally liking work somewhat. If I can only finish a couple of things, this is shaping up to be a great week.
* * *

(2) "I would like you to know that I came upon your journal via "friendsfriends" and discovered you were writing about something that I totally disagree with (you mad uptight bitch). So even though you weren't remotely flamey and just said "Guys, I really don't like this and here is why, but hey, Not My Beautiful Cake" *in your own journal* I am going to take issue with you in the comments section and imply that you are stupid and bellicose.

Then I am going to get my mates to pile on as well, because I know that your reasonable, fairly mildly phrased criticism is actually OPPRESSING MY RIGHT TO FREE EXPRESSION, OMG.!!!11!eleventy!

Also I think that "Live and Let Live" is the name of a Bond theme

Also I have more right to an opinion about this than you because my second cousin once delivered milk to Andy Taylor of Duran Duran and I read
Heat magazine so I know more about celebrity than you ever will -- I know that famous people don't mind it when they appear in stories in which they molest small furry animals, engage in coprophagy and take it up the arse from the ugly one off series five of Big Brother. Additionally, I bet you only posted this to get on fandom_wank, you mad thrill-seeker, you

Honestly. I can't believe God gave some of you people opposable thumbs if you're just going to use them to demonstrate your own ridiculousness.

But by all means, if you're reading this and I've got you wrong, please come and take issue. I gesture at my icon and laugh in your face.

* * *

(3) I hate almost all bloody cats. I pretend to think that some cats are all right but I am mostly LYING. I think all but about 10 cats worldwide are minions of Satan, with their random peeing and shiteing on carpets and in beds and in bags and their proclivity for sinking their claws into your flesh just to watch the lovely red rips. Cats can laugh and they are LAUGHING AT YOU.

(This is absolutely true, btw, I read it in a report from the Centre for Wellness Studies, University of Itotallymadethisshitup, in Groinbulge, Alabama, which is coincidentally where most TV and newspaper health gurus such as Dr Gillian McKeith got their PhDs from.)

Cats have their owners right where they want them. They're like "all right, fleshy bipedal fools, you're going to feed me and tickle me and I am going to cough up balls of disgusting all over your house then piss off until I feel like it because I am a LORD OF ALL CREATION!!1!"

Cats. Can't live with 'em, can't turn 'em into kebabs. Well, not without the RSPCA knocking on your door anyway.

Still. I am sure that your cats are among the 10 lovely ones.

* * *


(4) Dear hp_britglish, what language do they speak in England? Is English a popular second language or would Hogwarts pupils learn Ukrainian first? Do you have houses in Britain or do you all live in castles with butlers called Tarquin or else in tiny tenements where small children sleep on window ledges covered by pigeons and granny lives in the airing cupboard? When did British houses get fridges and if I was writing a fic with the Marauders set in the 1970s, would they know what a dentist was? Do you have tiddlywinks or the colour blue in England?

When the Second World War started in 1941, was Britain on the side of the Germans or did they join in with the Americans? Do British people have toilets or do they merely crouch over a hole, swipe a dockleaf over the dirty part then go for a smoke while hoping it rains, like the French?

Do I really need to have ever read another book or watch a film set anywhere other than the continental United States to be a rounded human being? Why am I so effing clueless that I have to ask really basic questions about another Anglophone country? It's not like Harry frigging Potter is set in a Dervish community in Anatolia or Hogwarts is in Ulaan Bator or anything


:::rolls eyes:::

ETA It's not that I don't think it's a good, useful community. It's just that I boggle at some of the questions occasionally.

* * *
(5) What are you looking at, pal?

* * *

(6) John Lennon really was a tosser. Bright, funny, talented, yes, but I don't get why people idolise *him* so if they have read any biography. Even the hagiographies admit he could be a complete bastard to his friends and loved ones. I hate the Lennon industry (prop: Ms Y Ono) In addition, anyone who thinks that the song Imagine is anything other than trite, complacent piffle deserves a good smacking.
* * *
(7)
Dear America,
I am sorry that we foisted Keira Knightley onto you and I would particularly like to apologise for Domino in which she plays the world's least believable hard-bitten bounty hunter. Please let me assure you that we have many fine actresses in this country who possess more than four expressions and we would be happy to send them over to you too.

I know you gave us Paris Hilton but that's no excuse.

(Keira Knightley Expression No 1: 'I am coked out of my gourd and smiling in inane delight, as though someone just gave me a small furry cute thing as a pet";
KK Expression 2: "I am ACK-ting! Or possibly I'm constipated."
KK Expression 3: 'I am so plucky! Look at my pluck!"
KK Expression 4: "WOE! MY GERBIL IS IN THE MICROWAVE!).


* * *
(8) Thud by Terry Pratchett is fantastic, but if you're still reading Pratchett for the plot, you're in trouble. The plot is awful. Everything else -- wonderful. Most relevant book to the current state of the world that I have read all year.
* * *
(9) Except maybe Snow by Orhan Pamuk. I cannot recommend that highly enough either.

Okay. Done.

Comments

( 62 comments — Leave a comment )
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nestra
Oct. 18th, 2005 01:09 am (UTC)
Do you have houses in Britain or do you all live in castles with butlers called Tarquin

You all have butlers? I'm so moving there. We'll make a trade for Keira.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
Go ahead. You can have Keira. Her stardom is mystifying. You might be slightly disappointed with the butler situation though
k2daisy
Oct. 18th, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
I would like you to know that I came upon your journal via "friendsfriends" and discovered you were writing about something that I totally disagree with (you mad uptight bitch). So even though you weren't remotely flamey and just said "Guys, I really don't like this and here is why, but hey, Not My Beautiful Cake" *in your own journal* I am going to take issue with you in the comments section and imply that you are stupid and bellicose.

THANK you! I had the same reaction, but I thought maybe I was the only one who read it that way.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
No. There were two or three people there who were bang out of order and I wish I had said so but (1) I didn't want to start a conflagration on someone else's space and (2) I am a big coward.
moonlit_page
Oct. 18th, 2005 01:46 am (UTC)
I love you so much. I love being one of your minions, because you are so minion-worthy. If you ever need someone to take a bullet for you, just let me know. I don't always agree with your opinions, especially your hatred of my lords and masters, the Cats, you kitten-hating Nazi whore but I so <3 the way you express them.

/worship of infinitemonkeys.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. "Kitten-hating Nazi Whore" I like it.

I'm rubbish at having minions. My orders mostly consist of "let's go to the pub" and "you buy the first round". I hope this is all right.
(no subject) - moonlit_page - Oct. 18th, 2005 11:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
vivwiley
Oct. 18th, 2005 01:48 am (UTC)
Honestly. I can't believe God gave some of you people opposable thumbs if you're just going to use them to demonstrate your own ridiculousness.

Well, precisely, but we still haven't explained President Bush, either...Intelligent design, my foot!

Very glad to hear you are finally liking work. This is of the good.

And no, my cats are not among the 10...for I have El Diablo Blanco and Featherhead. I am apparently just stupid, or easily colonized. I do periodically threaten to laminate them to prevent shedding. Surprisingly, my vet frowns on this suggestion.

As far as I'm concerned Keira Knightley probably just about makes up for us foisting Ben Stiller on you...

Good to hear from you, as always.

infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:42 pm (UTC)
And no, my cats are not among the 10...for I have El Diablo Blanco and Featherhead. I am apparently just stupid, or easily colonized. I do periodically threaten to laminate them to prevent shedding. Surprisingly, my vet frowns on this suggestion.

These vets. So unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if cat owners also keep their cats around because they are so entertaining in their plans for world domination/ astonishing ability to sleep/ boggleworthy denseness. All cats seem to fall into the category of evil genius or narcoleptic or feline dunce.
leiliaxf
Oct. 18th, 2005 01:55 am (UTC)
2/the fuck????

3/there is a comic over here called Get Fuzzy. You must have a look; it's a guy, his dumb dog, and his obnoxious cat.

4/the fuck???? v.2.0

5/you, you silly git :)

6/yup, he was a bastard. But I always loved his public snarkiness...he had edges that the others didn't show until much, much later. That being said...yeah, complete utter bastard.

7/I can forgive Keira. I cannot forgive the bloody Spice Girls. Or Helena Bloody-Bonham Carter < /random AbFab quote...sort of>

8/I was curious about this. Kewl...

9/..also this. Know what I'm going to do on payday......
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)
6/yup, he was a bastard. But I always loved his public snarkiness...he had edges that the others didn't show until much, much later. That being said...yeah, complete utter bastard.

I know. I'm not saying he didn't have moments of kindness or genius because it's obvious he did, it's just that the worshippers want to smooth him out, when the most interesting bits of him are the rough edges, the pretensions, the internal contradictions. "Working Class Hero" Lennon, not complacent "Imagine" Lennon.

(7) ::hangs head:: Clearly we cannot apologise enough for the Spice Girls.
violetisblue
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC)
"Do you have houses in Britain or do you all live in castles with butlers called Tarquin or else in tiny tenements where small children sleep on window ledges covered by pigeons and granny lives in the airing cupboard? When did British houses get fridges and if I was writing a fic with the Marauders set in the 1970s, would they know what a dentist was? Do you have tiddlywinks or the colour blue in England?"

*shakes with laughter* I freely admit, though, that all the patient explanation in the world is never going to get me to grasp the whole GCSEs/public school/comprehensive/secondary modern/O-levels/A-levels/et cetera system and how it works. I don't know if you foreigners have cheese or hair dye, either.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:47 pm (UTC)
I freely admit, though, that all the patient explanation in the world is never going to get me to grasp the whole GCSEs/public school/comprehensive/secondary modern/O-levels/A-levels/et cetera system and how it works. I don't know if you foreigners have cheese or hair dye, either.

Luckily the government doesn't understand the whole GCSE etc thing, which is why they abolish it and replace it with something even more complicated as soon as we get the hang of it.

And surely Wallace and Gromit alone is evidence of the cheese [see also "cheese-eating surrender monkeys"] *g*
(no subject) - violetisblue - Oct. 19th, 2005 01:33 am (UTC) - Expand
leadensky
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:17 am (UTC)
Re: 2

*dies laughing*

You? Rock. Like the Stones, like the river rolls, like the whole *entire* Cretaceous Period.

Are you *sure* you don't need any more minons? I have many useful skills - I'm good at digging dtiches, baking cornbread, and starting distracting riots so you can slip out the back, unobserved.

*still lmao*

- hg
leadensky
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:25 am (UTC)
PS
I went back and read the rest of the list, too. Whilst drinking beer.

You owe me a beer, now. Also? I can't be an effective minon if I'm stuck in bed with asperation pneumonia from snorting beer out my nose.

-still all my love,

hg
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Oct. 18th, 2005 11:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
quasiradiant
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:26 am (UTC)
i have been to england for at least 2 months of my life and that makes me a fucking EXPERT, and also, i can tell you that the only color you have there is GREY. also, if keira would just stand still and NOT TALK, i would consider her quite a lovely gift. unfortunately, she does have quite the little mouth on her. meh. also, what i would've given for hogwarts to be in the midlands. hp would be more amusing altogether if it were set in the midlands.

ummm. catz r dum?
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:54 pm (UTC)
i have been to england for at least 2 months of my life and that makes me a fucking EXPERT, and also, i can tell you that the only color you have there is GREY.

FOUL SLANDER! Sometimes the daystar comes out and we have colours which approach BLUE!

also, if keira would just stand still and NOT TALK, i would consider her quite a lovely gift. unfortunately, she does have quite the little mouth on her. meh. also, what i would've given for hogwarts to be in the midlands.

Yes. And Voldemort must be played by Ozzy Osbourne rather than Ralph Fiennes. Let it be so! ::waves wand in imperious fashion::
kirbyfest
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:31 am (UTC)
I adore you.

Keira Knightley Expression No 1: 'I am coked out of my gourd and smiling in inane delight, as though someone just gave me a small furry cute thing as a pet";
KK Expression 2: "I am ACK-ting! Or possibly I'm constipated."
KK Expression 3: 'I am so plucky! Look at my pluck!"
KK Expression 4: "WOE! MY GERBIL IS IN THE MICROWAVE!


Doesn't she also have a fifth expression? Bored? Or perhaps that's just the mild version of #1. :)
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:55 pm (UTC)
I think it's a weird sort of amalgam of #1 and #2, heavy on the constipated.
thassalia
Oct. 18th, 2005 02:38 am (UTC)
hee - is the response, omg I love you or perhaps just your shiny shiny brain because I've never actually met, you know, you, but we should definitely declare your brain a cultural icon, once we decided which culture and then battled it out on both sides:)
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 19th, 2005 12:23 am (UTC)
Thank you. I blush. *g*
corianderstem
Oct. 18th, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
In addition, anyone who thinks that the song Imagine is anything other than trite, complacent piffle deserves a good smacking.

Oh K, I do love you so.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 19th, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
Oh thank god I am not alone. It keeps coming at the top of these "best song evar" polls and I keep crying "but *why*?"
snacky
Oct. 18th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC)
1) Glad to hear work is better.

2) Honestly. I can't believe God gave some of you people opposable thumbs if you're just going to use them to demonstrate your own ridiculousness.

Sorry to have offended you.

3) I feel that my cat adds "you bitch" to every thought she has about me. As in, "Why are you not feeding me, you bitch?"

4) You *don't* have a butler called Tarquin?

5) ::moves along::

6) Dude, TWO new biographies on him on display at Borders right now! I am puzzled.

7) I hear she has good hair in the movie, though.

8) I really should read me some Pratchett one of these days.

9) Tell me more about it!
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:24 pm (UTC)
2) Honestly. I can't believe God gave some of you people opposable thumbs if you're just going to use them to demonstrate your own ridiculousness.

Sorry to have offended you.


I am baffled. You didn't offend. FW does not offend. RPF doesn't offend, though I wouldn't write it personally if it wandered into the realms of shagging and was not satirical in intent. Ridiculous posters on leadensky's LJ made me want to point and mock. How pompous and self-righteous can you be and *still* not explode in welter of hot air and bile? I think someone was testing that theory

(3) I think they all do, in some form or other.

(4) No. If I did, I wouldn't have four days worth of dirty dishes in the sink. Alas, I am a servantless slut.

(6) It was his 65th birthday on October 9 and it's 25 years since his murder in December. Ker-ching.

(7) Possibly. I Just. Don't. Get. The Love though.

(8) YES

(9) It's about a poet who goes to a poor region in Turkey to investigate Islamist activism and why so many girls are committing suicide, which makes it sound relentlessly grim and it isn't at all.
shiba_inu
Oct. 18th, 2005 03:29 am (UTC)
What the hell is it with women tonight? First Grifyn makes me laugh so hard I can't fucking see straight -- no exaggeration, by the way -- and then I read *this* thing...

Are you two trying to kill me or what? Enough with the funny, already!
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:26 pm (UTC)
Grifyn makes me laugh so hard I can't fucking see straight and ropo are two of the funniest people I have ever read.
(no subject) - grifyn - Oct. 19th, 2005 12:05 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Oct. 19th, 2005 12:16 am (UTC) - Expand
barkley
Oct. 18th, 2005 03:39 am (UTC)
(2) Yes!


And if I find myself ever quoting "Woe! My Gerbil is in the microwave!" I will hunt you down. (And probably give you money because you make me laugh so much.
infinitemonkeys
Oct. 18th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
Maybe it should be an icon. At least it would be baffling to some people.
veejane
Oct. 18th, 2005 04:04 am (UTC)
You don't like cats??

You know, I am just innocently surfing my friendslist and I come across this unbelieveable cat-DISCRIMINATION here. I cannot believe I have been ASSAULTED with this HATRED. This is America, where free speech only counts when you are talking about the FLAG! And even if the cat is white andd red striped, with blue stars on its butt, you're not allowed to HATE the FLAG!!

My cat disdains to hork in your general direction. Humph.
cofax7
Oct. 18th, 2005 05:05 am (UTC)
::snickers::
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Oct. 18th, 2005 11:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 62 comments — Leave a comment )

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