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No Tory twats for London

I am up at 7.30am to vote AGAINST Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. I would get up at 3am to vote against Boris Johnson. I would crawl over broken glass while someone was committing sonic terrorism by playing deeply stupid misogynistic gangsta rap loudly in my earhole to vote against Boris Johnson. If I had to vote at 4am the day before yesterday I would invent a time machine so I could do it.

See thehornedgod's entry here for better reasons. But here are mine:


Fucking Boris Johnson. That is my aim in every sense but the lascivious one.

Yes, Boris Johnson is clever. He's funny. He makes terrible gaffes. He has bizarre and interesting hair. He has a colourful private life. (I am sure the women concerned are perfectly happy to bonk the flaxen-haired plonker but he keeps getting *caught* which gives me grave doubts about his political acumen). He adds to the gaiety of nations by being a bumbling tosspot.

Under that bumbling, funny persona though, is a hard-right ideologue and total arsehole. This is a man who approved of Clause 28 and said that there was an equivalence between three men and a dog marrying and gay marriage.

This is a man who referred not once but twice to Africans as "piccaninnies" and used the phrase "watermelon smiles". Unacceptable at any time, no matter whether you claim you were just taking the piss out of Tony Blair or not.

Then he claimed some kind of fellowship with immigrants and people in the developing world by saying he was the son of immigrants and his great-great-grandmother was a Circassian slave in Turkey. (Unproven. His great-grandfather was a Turkish journalist who became the interior minister of the Ottoman Empire for Pete's sake)

You went to Eton, man! You're not "proudly middle class" unless we're revising the boundaries of middle-classdom in a steeply upwards direction. You're a toff, and you've never given the slightest glimpse of understanding what it means to be perched on a precarious ledge between survival and drowning, without the rope of family money to lift you out of trouble. He's going to cut taxes for the rich leafy western boroughs, let the poor ones sink.

If your editorship of The Spectator was anything to go by, Boris is deepest blue, a Tory tossclump whose priority is tax-cutting and "I'm alright Jack" policies. The Spectator is oftentimes the ungarnished id of the Conservative party, which takes joy from being insulting, sexist, racist and thinking of anyone without fifty grand in the back as a smelly, workshy, uneducated pov, while crying "political correctness gone mad" at anyone who dares to say that's unacceptable behaviour.

Ken Livingstone may be slightly bent, slimy, given to stupid posturing, prone to inviting to London people who I think shouldn't be given any more of a platform than they already have (Hugo Chávez; Muslim clerics who advocate beating their wives) but he has a good grasp of what it means to be mayor in a city like London. He's improved the transport network a bit, crime is down a little bit, and people who drive giant 4x4s are getting it in the rear for their ridiculous behaviour and that is all good.

He's also been the victim of a ridiculous campaign of persecution by the London Evening Standard, whose editor thinks she's some kind of arbiter of political acceptability. No, love, you're the editor of a poxy local rag which is owned by the same newspaper group that thought the Blackshirts were a pretty marvellous idea in the 1930s and have shown little sign of shifting centrewards since. (Fuck Veronica Wadley too, while we're at it)

Anyway, I am voting Green 1 (to stop the BNP scum taking fourth place) and Ken 2, to register a protest against Ken being slightly power-crazed but to put a stop to the long march to Boris. So, yes. Vote against Boris Johnson! Deny him the oxygen of publicity! If you could deny him the oxygen of oxygen, I would be in favour of that too, but since we have these silly things called laws in the UK, I suppose that's not really on.


When Gordon Brown was on his grand visit to the US recently, I found myself missing Blair. This was such a horrifying experience that I had to have some sugary tea and a sitdown in a quiet, darkened room. He was so dull, so focused on minutiae, so desperate for publicity that he appeared on American Idol. American bloody Idol. He made George Bush look like a fluent intelligent public speaker, for pete's sake.

Gordon Brown is such a disappointment as `prime minister. Someone said it was like the wizard of Oz, where the Great and Terrible Oz finally appears and then the curtain is drawn aside to reveal a very ordinary clueless fellow who cannot make a decision to save his life. I mean, he's not even very good at the politics side of it.

When you have a reputation as a Machiavellian genius of backroom manoeuvring then you can't even manage to shiv your opponents in the back: how rubbish is that? When you arrange your first "Look America! Here I am!" visit to the US at the same time as Pope Benny, how completely clueless are you?

The epitome of this cluelessness is the abolition of the 10p tax band. Under this, I am about £250 a year better off. I am a top-rate taxpayer. My mum is almost £700 a year worse off. She is a pensioner with a part-time job. There is no way on god's clean lovely earth that a LABOUR government should make someone like me better off while screwing over any lower-paid workers who don't happen to qualify for tax credits under our tax system.

A tax system so byzantine that it would give Kafka the chills, by the way. As set up by one G Brown, longest-serving chancellor of the exchequer this century.

It's almost enough to make me think of voting conservative, and then I take one look at Boris Johnson and his chum David Cameron, and the world rights itself again. The closest I am going to get to a Tory is when I pay that special trip to dance on Thatcher's grave.

I've been in a bit of a state lately. Out of whack. It's not a large terrible thing, just a sizeable accumulation of shit things happening at home and at work. I've been unable to write an LJ entry or an email or have a conversation with someone who was not M or S or L or T without wanting to curl up in a ball and demand intravenous injections of chocolate.

Nothing is going right just now, so I apologise in advance for my foot in gob syndrome. And since we're doing confessions, I cheat at Scrabulous all the time. I invent words which turn out to be real. I check online dictionaries. I am still rubbish at it

Comments

( 58 comments — Leave a comment )
ropo
May. 1st, 2008 08:16 am (UTC)
Go vote! And I've started a game of Scrabulous with you. DO NOT CHEAT!
infinitemonkeys
May. 1st, 2008 08:20 am (UTC)
Could we maybe both cheat? Level playing field and all that?
(no subject) - ropo - May. 1st, 2008 08:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - May. 2nd, 2008 12:30 am (UTC) - Expand
predictivememo
May. 1st, 2008 10:06 am (UTC)
The closest I am going to get to a Tory is when I pay that special trip to dance on Thatcher's grave.

Yes. YES. YES!!! Remind me to post that meme you poked me about on British Politics. An entire Articulated Lorry of FAIL.

I will vote today, but I suspect the Earth will rend asunder under me before anything changes in this area. *cries*
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:35 am (UTC)
Thanks for the politics post. My ITA: let me show you it.

I sympathise on the not-changing thing. The first two times I voted in a general election was in Haltemprice and Howden, David Davis's constituency (and also that of Alan B'Stard!). My vote counted for absolutely FA
calligrafiti
May. 1st, 2008 10:35 am (UTC)
Thank you for explaining some of the electoral issues in your area. I've seen references to the 10p tax thing, but I wasn't clear on exactly what was involved. Sounds like Brown took lessons in taxation from Bush which is, um, possibly a little bit not entirely well thought-out.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
It's ridiculous. It was designed to make almost everyone feel better off, and those families who were worse off would make it up through tax credits. Only he forgot about a significant swathe of people -- and isn't that something that politicians with giant brains are not supposed to do. Stupid.
leiliaxf
May. 1st, 2008 11:20 am (UTC)
tell us how you really feel, darling. You know that holding it in isn't healthy ;)

I've been reading about this Boris. What a prick. And that 10p tax thing.

Also-when you go to dance on Lady Thatcher's grave, let me know--that would be worth a ticket over to join you. I can dance a mean jig when I want to *g*

Edited at 2008-05-01 11:21 am (UTC)
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
Come dance. We will wear heavy clogs. With SPIKES. It will be ace
buddleia
May. 1st, 2008 12:01 pm (UTC)
The closest I am going to get to a Tory is when I pay that special trip to dance on Thatcher's grave.
I'm already planning the party, dammit. And, so much yes about Boris Johnson. Gah.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:40 am (UTC)
I have deep, deep fear that Johnson is going to win and I detest the idea more than I can express. Everyone I work with who would admit how they voted either went for Ken, or Green/Paddick with Emergency Ken on the second choice. I honestly think it's going to come down to the transferable votes. I hope so, anyway
ex_dashenka
May. 1st, 2008 12:06 pm (UTC)
Wish I had some chocolate to give you, but we ate all the cookies last night. Sending good thoughts anyhow.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:41 am (UTC)
Thanks. good thoughts are marvellous and have a lower fat content than cookies ;)
curiouswombat
May. 1st, 2008 12:19 pm (UTC)
Can I just say that if I lived in London I would be thinking and doing exactly the same things as you - and be equally anti-Boris for exactly the same reasons.

the same newspaper group that thought the Blackshirts were a pretty marvellous idea in the 1930s and have shown little sign of shifting centrewards since.

Perhaps they should have been touting for Max Mosley - he is as 'colourful' as Boris.

As for Fuck Veronica Wadley too, while we're at it

Let Boris - if he hasn't already.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
Let Boris - if he hasn't already.

I'd consider whether that was true if it didn't make me throw up in my mouth a bit
veejane
May. 1st, 2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
I've been listening to the Beeb World Service the past two days natter on about Red Ken, and whether it's possible to be a jerk and a good mayor at the same time. They too pointed out that spiky blond hair does not a progressive make.

(Did Gordon Brown visit the US? I didn't hear a peep about it! Who is he, prime minister, or John Q. Tourist?)
cofax7
May. 1st, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC)
He did! There was a photo op where Bush, Brown, and ... someone else. Stephen Harper? -- anyway, three world leaders planted a tree. It was very moving. Ahem.

(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - May. 2nd, 2008 12:47 am (UTC) - Expand
comice
May. 1st, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
I had no idea Boris was running for Mayor, nor did I realize that he used to run The Spectator. Suddenly, the world makes sense. But it will cease making sense if Londoners buy his ragtime and put him in office.

When Gordon Brown was here, they broadcast his speech and I tried, I really tried to listen to him, but other than listening to him try to suppress his Scots accent it was unbelievably boring. Really. Like coma-inducing. Even when he said things that I disagreed with, I only felt a mild spasm, because I was being lulled into such a state of torpor. It occurs to me now, that this is how Very Bad Things occur.

Also, that tax thing is horrendous.

I'm sorry things are horrid.

:: sends you love and chocolates and anti-asshole weaponry ::
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 12:54 am (UTC)
We find out about the Boz at 8.30pm tomorrow when they've transferred all the transferable votes. God help us all.

Bless you for trying to listen. I think part of the reason he's so stilted is that he does this weird fish gape thing with his mouth that was really distracting so his media managers told him not to do it and to smile more. So part of the time he's trying not to look like a startled guppy, the other half he's smiling like an undertaker in a flu epidemic.

I had such high hopes for Broon. I was an idiot. The tax thing is one of those ideas that was meant to benefit lots of people but some *idiot* forgot to count in the very low-paid who don't qualify for tax credits, which is just embarrassingly stupid.

All I want is for my government to be competent and not actively evil. Why so difficult? ::criez::
marakara
May. 1st, 2008 01:16 pm (UTC)
Time Magazine here had an article about Boris Johnson and it made me like him. The pull quote was "I think people should get on and run their lives as far as possible independently of bossiness and intrusion of all kinds." That is sort of my political beliefs in a nutshell. They skipped the whole racially inappropriate comments and faux middle class bonafides. That would have swung the article in a totally different way.

What was Clause 28? Sorry, I'm not up on my British politics.

Take Care
Mara
londonkds
May. 1st, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
Clause 28 was a law introduced by the COnservatives in the 1980s banning "promotion of homsexuality" in schools which was widely interpreted as banning teachers from making any positive comments about homosexuality or supporting pupils suffering from homophobic bullying. It was finally repearled a few years ago, after a really dirty political campaign which included Conservative politicians waving around graphic sexual-health information produced by charities for adult gay men and claiming that if the law was repealed similar material would be shown to eight-year-olds.
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - May. 2nd, 2008 01:02 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - marakara - May. 2nd, 2008 02:29 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - May. 2nd, 2008 07:45 am (UTC) - Expand
violetisblue
May. 1st, 2008 02:07 pm (UTC)
...Gordon Brown came here on a visit? Someone should've told us.
infinitemonkeys
May. 1st, 2008 09:24 pm (UTC)
Why, do you have insomnia?

Oh, he was *so* rubbish. I ::headdesk:: endlessly
(no subject) - violetisblue - May. 1st, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
We don't find out until 8pm tomorrow or so: it's all that single transferable vote malarkey. I so hope we've all gone for second-preference Emergency Ken vote.
timesink
May. 1st, 2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
I found myself missing Blair. This was such a horrifying experience that I had to have some sugary tea and a sitdown in a quiet, darkened room

Yeah, I've had that experience with Bill Clinton. Fortunately he's been letting all of his worst personality traits out on Hillary's campaign trail and I'm over it now. {g}
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
Yes, what has happened to Bill Clinton while Hillary has been running? It's so odd to watch his public persona shift from amiable senior statesman/philanthropist to gutter fighter. Surely that doesn't play well anywhere.

I am vaguely appalled by Hillary Clinton's tactics
lenadances
May. 1st, 2008 03:25 pm (UTC)
When you arrange your first "Look America! Here I am!" visit to the US at the same time as Pope Benny, how completely clueless are you?

...Wait, Brown was here? I have absolutely no memory of that ever being mentioned on NPR or on any of the newspaper sites I check. Nor on my more politically-inclined blogroll. Holy crow, if that's indicitive of his political acumen then that man actually rates lower than GWB on this one-- at least that flatulent knows how to steal headlines. (And as a national embarrassment of the worst kind, I spend most of my time wishing he didn't, so at least people in other countries could have the option of forgetting that we have such a jackass in charge.)

The epitome of this cluelessness is the abolition of the 10p tax band. Under this, I am about £250 a year better off. I am a top-rate taxpayer. My mum is almost £700 a year worse off. She is a pensioner with a part-time job.

::falls over:: SHIT. God. Um... is there anyone in line for the position who might do a better job if Mr. Brown has himself some kind of terrible accident?
cazling
May. 1st, 2008 11:30 pm (UTC)
SHIT. God. Um... is there anyone in line for the position who might do a better job if Mr. Brown has himself some kind of terrible accident?

Alas no. Which is all part of the problem. The parliamentary Labour party is so fucking bland at the moment. Everyone's been waiting for Gordon's coronation all this time and it's like meanwhile a strange creeping rot has set in over all of them. Unfortunately I think they are suffering from the malaise and laziness of having been in power too long, which is how the Tories might sneak in through the back door - people are just sick of the status quo.
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - May. 2nd, 2008 01:07 am (UTC) - Expand
cofax7
May. 1st, 2008 03:26 pm (UTC)
I do enjoy it when you get your rant on.

I also enjoy having Brits on my flist: yours is the second mention of Boris Johnson that I saw this morning. (The first being rydra_wong, who finds him more amusing than you but also won't vote for him.)

ISTR I owe you email...
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:08 am (UTC)
No worries on the email thing.

I suspect that the mentions today are as nothing to the howls of despair if Bozza wins the bloody thing. It would be such a depressing disaster if he did.
pepper_field
May. 1st, 2008 05:24 pm (UTC)
Okay, you don't know me, so I apologise for butting in, but cofax recced this rant on rydra_wong's lj, and I just had to say - YES, a thousand times yes.

And ten thousand times yes to the bit about Thatcher's grave.

(Ahem. Edited for me being crap at html.)

Edited at 2008-05-01 05:24 pm (UTC)
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:10 am (UTC)
Oh, there'll have to be a conga line to fit in everybody who plans to dance on her grave. You know, it'll soon be 18 years since she left office and I still detest the woman.
tabula_x_rasa
May. 1st, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
I am sad that I am missing this most LOLarious election after having to read all those bloody Evening Standard headlines as I walked down the street, but it's not like I could vote anyway. Go vote and stick it to Boris for me!

And as a person currently residing in the States: Gordon was here? I seriously didn't know. Pope>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Mr. Brown, apparently. I don't watch American Idol, so maybe that's why I missed it. And yeah, Tony would have never let a visit be so unremarked, if only because he would have found a way too hang off Bush all day. Ewwwwww I wish I hadn't thought that. :(
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:14 am (UTC)
It is true that the election was comedy gold until Bozza actually started building a lead in the opinion polls. It will be comedy gold if he wins -- just in terms of the disastrous things he will say and his inability to keep his plonker in his pants -- but the real life consequences are too depressing to be contemplated.

You're slashing Bush and Blair in your head, now, aren't you? Remember that Georgie likes to summon Tony by shouting "Yo Blair!"
(no subject) - tabula_x_rasa - May. 2nd, 2008 06:54 am (UTC) - Expand
angstville
May. 1st, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear you are out of whack and hope that it rights itself sooner rather than later. I was happy to see your name and icon in my flist so you brought a smile to my face which should mean something..right? (she says sarcastically) *g*
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:15 am (UTC)
Oh it's all right really. I am in a bit of schtuck but it could and will be worse soon, I think. She replied cheerfully ;)
franthewndrhrse
May. 1st, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
He made George Bush look like a fluent intelligent public speaker, for pete's sake.

Oh, my God, it's true! Thank you, Mr. Brown, for making us feel like we're the smart kids in the class. It was embarrassing when George W. would speak alongside Tony Blair.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
Alas, it's true. Brown is more boring than Bush. Just because you can rattle on about post-endogamous growth theory doesn't mean you should.
muridae_x
May. 1st, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
Your rant is far more eloquent than mine, which doesn't actually consist of much more than "Boris Johnson, aargh!" Oh, and ditto for the BNP. At least having a slew of anti-votes to cast saved me a world of dilemma about who to actually vote for, which might have been a lot trickier otherwise.

I thought at one point I was going to have to struggle through torrential rain to get to the polling station this evening, but I'd have taken that unscheduled bath willingly for the cause.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:17 am (UTC)
I know. It's all about trying to calculate the protest vote against Ken being bent with Lee Jasper et al and yet not even giving BOris a sniff of power. We had NF and the BNP on our ballot; what in the world is that about?
cazling
May. 1st, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
Under that bumbling, funny persona though, is a hard-right ideologue and total arsehole. This is a man who approved of Clause 28 and said that there was an equivalence between three men and a dog marrying and gay marriage.

This is a man who referred not once but twice to Africans as "piccaninnies" and used the phrase "watermelon smiles". Unacceptable at any time, no matter whether you claim you were just taking the piss out of Tony Blair or not.


FYI I fucking loved the G2 article along these lines today with the compendium of horrendous Bozza quotes. Gay Silver Fox Boss and I hurled them throughout the day at anyone in the office foolish enough to admit voting for him (not many, as most of our silly airy-fairy designers are so on another planet that they'd forgotten to register, or fundamentally misunderstood how postal voting works).

Someone said it was like the wizard of Oz, where the Great and Terrible Oz finally appears and then the curtain is drawn aside to reveal a very ordinary clueless fellow who cannot make a decision to save his life.

Oh God, I know. I think I read this in the Grauniad, but someone (Rory Bremner?) said it's like having a secretive, dour uncle who has been hidden away in the potting shed for the last ten years working on some secret project, and then he finally lets you in there to see it, and the shed's just...empty. God. British politics makes me want to weep.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:19 am (UTC)
It was Rory Bremner; I remember the quote. At least when the Tories were lurching into their last days of power, drunk on privilege and sliding from scandal to scandal, we thought there was a real alternative. Now there's nothing.

Were there really people at your office admitting to voting for Boz? At our office (surprise!) no one would cop to that. I bet some of 'em did though
(no subject) - cazling - May. 2nd, 2008 06:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
minnow1212
May. 1st, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
>Fucking Boris Johnson. That is my aim in every sense but the lascivious one. <

I do so love this line.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Thank you. I mean it. It's likely to be a fairly impotent wish though. *g*
yinkawills
May. 2nd, 2008 12:53 am (UTC)
Wah!Just got here via comments on rydra wong's LJ.
Madam, I like the cut of your gib!

Its not the Eton-toffness I mind. George Orwell was an old Etonian, I believe. Trevor Huddleston one of the founders of the antu-apartheid movement here in Britain after being forced out of South Africa because he was a white clergyman who treated blacks as equals, he certainly sounded like a toff.I've met revolutionary lefty toffs.(Genuine, not dilettantes).

Boris would have been a reactionary if he'd been middle class, or working class.
And he's made cannibal comments about us blacks (for a laugh, you understand) in the past.Frankly, the BNP are more honest, because they're not pretending to themselves.Boris genuinely thinks mentioning a Turkish great granny, and a wife with some Asain ancestry makes him able to say racist stuff...the modern version of 'some of my best friends are black..'
I'm pissed off about this election. Id got fed up of Ken, and as we're a major world city Id have expected heavyweight candidates from each party.
The two other major parties have instead put up people with no relevant experience!
Even George W Bush had relevant experience having been a governor of a big state.

I'm going to have to vote for Ken again-as I have in the past- but this time as a negative vote, to keep Boris out.
Boris is looking the likely winner- all thanks to the Evening Standard running his campaign for him.
infinitemonkeys
May. 2nd, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)
Hello! I think you're right but I reckon I would make the distinction between going to Eton and emerging as a thoughtful human being, like Orwell, Huddleston and Humph Lyttleton etc, and going to Eton and emerging as a Toff. Being a toff is an attitude; if you define yourself as a toff -- and I think Boz does, on the quiet -- then by virtue of that your opposition is the pov.

There's a world of implied attitudes in there that people who are in poverty are not just living in poverty, they are povs: feckless, ill-educated, lazy, smelly, obese, poor because they *choose* to be through inaction.

It's kin to the snobbery you get over people of less monied origins and their children, who are "chavs". The rich people who exhibit exactly the same behaviour are never characterised that way.

I hope that Boris does not win. I think there's a substantial second preference "Keep Boris out" campaign that may tip the balance. Really, though, we don't know anything, which is worrying. Roll on 8.30pm tomorrow!
ffutures
May. 2nd, 2008 09:08 am (UTC)
Saw this post recced by curiouswombat - pretty much my sentiments, he's a tosser and a dangerous tosser.
lilydale
May. 3rd, 2008 12:22 am (UTC)
You are very, very amusing.

I'm sorry you've been so out of sorts. You can always whinge to me, you know, though I'm glad you have your friends nearby. I wish I knew how to acquire intravenous injections of chocolate with or without the curling up into a ball. If you figure it out, please share.
( 58 comments — Leave a comment )

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