K. (infinitemonkeys) wrote,

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In today's exciting edition of "Oh for f---'s sake ..."

The pleasant bit:

Many happy returns ( a bit late) to sophia_helix and muridae_x. I hope the day itself was delightful and that the year to come is productive and happy.

And now...

(1) I owe people email. I am finally liking work somewhat. If I can only finish a couple of things, this is shaping up to be a great week.
* * *

(2) "I would like you to know that I came upon your journal via "friendsfriends" and discovered you were writing about something that I totally disagree with (you mad uptight bitch). So even though you weren't remotely flamey and just said "Guys, I really don't like this and here is why, but hey, Not My Beautiful Cake" *in your own journal* I am going to take issue with you in the comments section and imply that you are stupid and bellicose.

Then I am going to get my mates to pile on as well, because I know that your reasonable, fairly mildly phrased criticism is actually OPPRESSING MY RIGHT TO FREE EXPRESSION, OMG.!!!11!eleventy!

Also I think that "Live and Let Live" is the name of a Bond theme

Also I have more right to an opinion about this than you because my second cousin once delivered milk to Andy Taylor of Duran Duran and I read
Heat magazine so I know more about celebrity than you ever will -- I know that famous people don't mind it when they appear in stories in which they molest small furry animals, engage in coprophagy and take it up the arse from the ugly one off series five of Big Brother. Additionally, I bet you only posted this to get on fandom_wank, you mad thrill-seeker, you

Honestly. I can't believe God gave some of you people opposable thumbs if you're just going to use them to demonstrate your own ridiculousness.

But by all means, if you're reading this and I've got you wrong, please come and take issue. I gesture at my icon and laugh in your face.

* * *

(3) I hate almost all bloody cats. I pretend to think that some cats are all right but I am mostly LYING. I think all but about 10 cats worldwide are minions of Satan, with their random peeing and shiteing on carpets and in beds and in bags and their proclivity for sinking their claws into your flesh just to watch the lovely red rips. Cats can laugh and they are LAUGHING AT YOU.

(This is absolutely true, btw, I read it in a report from the Centre for Wellness Studies, University of Itotallymadethisshitup, in Groinbulge, Alabama, which is coincidentally where most TV and newspaper health gurus such as Dr Gillian McKeith got their PhDs from.)

Cats have their owners right where they want them. They're like "all right, fleshy bipedal fools, you're going to feed me and tickle me and I am going to cough up balls of disgusting all over your house then piss off until I feel like it because I am a LORD OF ALL CREATION!!1!"

Cats. Can't live with 'em, can't turn 'em into kebabs. Well, not without the RSPCA knocking on your door anyway.

Still. I am sure that your cats are among the 10 lovely ones.

* * *

(4) Dear hp_britglish, what language do they speak in England? Is English a popular second language or would Hogwarts pupils learn Ukrainian first? Do you have houses in Britain or do you all live in castles with butlers called Tarquin or else in tiny tenements where small children sleep on window ledges covered by pigeons and granny lives in the airing cupboard? When did British houses get fridges and if I was writing a fic with the Marauders set in the 1970s, would they know what a dentist was? Do you have tiddlywinks or the colour blue in England?

When the Second World War started in 1941, was Britain on the side of the Germans or did they join in with the Americans? Do British people have toilets or do they merely crouch over a hole, swipe a dockleaf over the dirty part then go for a smoke while hoping it rains, like the French?

Do I really need to have ever read another book or watch a film set anywhere other than the continental United States to be a rounded human being? Why am I so effing clueless that I have to ask really basic questions about another Anglophone country? It's not like Harry frigging Potter is set in a Dervish community in Anatolia or Hogwarts is in Ulaan Bator or anything

:::rolls eyes:::

ETA It's not that I don't think it's a good, useful community. It's just that I boggle at some of the questions occasionally.

* * *
(5) What are you looking at, pal?

* * *

(6) John Lennon really was a tosser. Bright, funny, talented, yes, but I don't get why people idolise *him* so if they have read any biography. Even the hagiographies admit he could be a complete bastard to his friends and loved ones. I hate the Lennon industry (prop: Ms Y Ono) In addition, anyone who thinks that the song Imagine is anything other than trite, complacent piffle deserves a good smacking.
* * *
Dear America,
I am sorry that we foisted Keira Knightley onto you and I would particularly like to apologise for Domino in which she plays the world's least believable hard-bitten bounty hunter. Please let me assure you that we have many fine actresses in this country who possess more than four expressions and we would be happy to send them over to you too.

I know you gave us Paris Hilton but that's no excuse.

(Keira Knightley Expression No 1: 'I am coked out of my gourd and smiling in inane delight, as though someone just gave me a small furry cute thing as a pet";
KK Expression 2: "I am ACK-ting! Or possibly I'm constipated."
KK Expression 3: 'I am so plucky! Look at my pluck!"

* * *
(8) Thud by Terry Pratchett is fantastic, but if you're still reading Pratchett for the plot, you're in trouble. The plot is awful. Everything else -- wonderful. Most relevant book to the current state of the world that I have read all year.
* * *
(9) Except maybe Snow by Orhan Pamuk. I cannot recommend that highly enough either.

Okay. Done.
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