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I have just seen the biggest pile of irritating, sexist, pretentious, nonsensical guff it has ever been my displeasure to endure somewhere that doesn't have an Off button within easy reach. It's badly written, badly made and profoundly shite.

I have been drunk, fallen asleep on top of a sheet of paper and dribbled things that were more artistically pleasing. They could have recorded the farts of a thousand teenage boys, rendered them into morse code and transcribed the results and come up with a more coherent script. I have trodden in things with more artistic integrity.

I am referring to the movie Hancock, which I went into with few expectations, which is just as well because everyone involved should be locked in stocks in the middle of Trafalgar Square and deluged with elephant widdle until their hair melts.

What an offensively stupid move it is. I don't ask much of superhero movies. I know they're basically made for 15-year-old boys and people who buy too many video games so when we get a good one, it's a supreme pleasure. X-Men, Spider-Man and even Iron Man proved it's possible to believe your audience is intelligent enough to applaud subtlety. Often they even manage not to be hideously sexist.

If you've been to the cinema in the past three months, you will know the basic outline of the plot. John Hancock is superhero who is drunken, extravagantly rude, enjoys groping random women on the street and is spectacularly careless of property. He fights crime in LA, but LA is sick of all the damage he causes and the police want to arrest him. One day he saves the life of an idealistic marketing man, who invites him to dinner at his house, and offers to make his life easier by "rebranding" him as a clean, polite superhero, loved by everyone. And up to that point, it's actually reasonably amiable viewing. The trouble is that this is the first 20 minutes of the film.

Already, the direction is ostentatiously irritating, with lots of nausea-inducing handheld camera shots that make it difficult to see what is going on. Indeed, Peter Berg, who made the excellent Friday Night Lights, has here adopted the aesthetic of the cocaine-drenched late 80s music video maker, with smoke and rain and out of focus extreme close-ups that fairly scream I AM INVENTING A NEW SUPERHERO MOVIE VERNACULAR! OBSERVE MY EDGINESS! MORE BULLETS! MORE SMOKE! MORE RAIN! MORE VIEWS UP WILL SMITH'S LEFT NOSTRIL!

Oh, Billy Kronk, no.

From hereonin, there will be spoilers, though I am mighty tempted to leave the damned thing uncut in the interests of having as few people as possible waste two hours of their lives.

Oh, how I hate this movieCollapse )
My mood theme says "embarrassed" because I am embarrassed for all involved. I am SO SICK of the way Hollywood portrays women. No wonder we're all about watching the telly on LJ. At least on telly there's a chance of a strong woman appearing who is not solely defined in relation to a bloke.

ETA: I just realised that I quite enjoyed hating it. I wasn't bored because I hated it *that much*. What does that say about me?

In other news, I note that it is still not Saturday evening. What's up with that?

Comments

( 77 comments — Leave a comment )
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samdonne
Jul. 2nd, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC)
I'm sure somehow, somewhere, Iron Man is still playing. Maybe in Peterborough.
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
It's got to be on somewhere. I am thinking of seeing it again.
(no subject) - samdonne - Jul. 4th, 2008 11:46 am (UTC) - Expand
kirbyfest
Jul. 2nd, 2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
I could not love you more unless you morphed into George Clooney and started singing love songs to me.

Dribbled. Heh.
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
Can George sing? ::swoons in anticipation:: Please don't tell me he can dance too as I may melt into a puddle of lust.
comice
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:52 am (UTC)
Vince Gilligan?!

OUR VINCE GILLIGAN???

Srsly?

I'm so deflated by this news. I was laughing and laughing until I got to that part, and then my tears of laughter became just plain teary.

Oh, Vince Gilligan, NO!

P.S. Thanks for saving me the bucks.

P.P.S. And for taking one for the team.
suzanne_laura
Jul. 3rd, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
OMG - comice and I were just reminiscing on the way home about "Pusher" and the loveliness of Vince! Wah!
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
minnow1212
Jul. 3rd, 2008 01:55 am (UTC)
I love you.

Also, VWORP is my new favorite word.
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:21 pm (UTC)
In the interests of full disclosure I should mention that ::vworp:: is the sound the Tardis makes when it dematerialises in comic strips from the 80s.
minim_calibre
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
I have been spoiling the hell out of myself for this and am sickly fascinated enough that I almost want to see it. (A lot of the reviews that go into depth describe the Smith and Theron characters as gods rather than angels, and go all blah blah blah Platocakes. One of the very few positive reviews saw it as some sort of fantastic critique of race in Hollywood. I suspect it's the sort of utterly horrible movie that you could write BOOKS about.)

Maybe I'll pay for some other movie and sneak in.

(Of course, my reaction on seeing the movie version of Queen of the Damned was to rant for about an hour about how it was basically a primer in how to heterosexualize yourself through the love of a good woman.)
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
Maybe they were gods but I thought there was a mention of a supreme being sending them to Earth to protect it. I am not sure since it was incoherent by this stage and I was worrying about spraining my eyes from rolling them.

I thought that it could have been an interesting examination of a black superhero as
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Maybe they were gods but I thought there was a mention of a supreme being sending them to Earth to protect it. I am not sure since it was incoherent by this stage and I was worrying about spraining my eyes from rolling them.

I thought that it could have been an interesting examination of a black superhero as <LJ-user="rivkat"> said in her post, but I felt that it ducked every one of those questions.

(as for Queen of the Damned, doesn't seeing that exempt you from having to see any more bad movies ever on the grounds that you have suffered enough?)
cofax7
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:27 am (UTC)
You rock, that is all. I love your brain!
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *g* Have a wonderful time in the north
(Deleted comment)
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
It is beyond rubbish.
annajaneclare
Jul. 3rd, 2008 03:34 am (UTC)
One day he saves the life of an idealistic marketing man

An idealistic marketing man?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAA!

BEST. OXYMORON. EVAH!
se_parsons
Jul. 3rd, 2008 04:47 am (UTC)
Um, hi.

SEP = marketing professional.
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - se_parsons - Jul. 4th, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
se_parsons
Jul. 3rd, 2008 04:47 am (UTC)
Thank you for preventing me from making a terrible mistake and going to see this as the previews looked quite amusing.

And the WTFness of "advertising on the moon" kills my soul.
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)
For 20 minutes it's an amiable shaggy dog story and then the badness explodes.
aud_woman_in
Jul. 3rd, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
Well, crap. There go the weekend plans, such as they were. Thanks for the warning. I'll be looking forward to SHITTY!movie night on cable around the first of the year, then.
infinitemonkeys
Jul. 3rd, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)
There must be something else about, surely. It can't be wall-to-wall Hancock
jinxgirl71
Jul. 4th, 2008 01:38 pm (UTC)
This was just a great review to read. You should do this as a weekly infinitemonkeys's movie review.
fourteenlines
Jul. 5th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
I saw it for free because of my work, but actually, I quite liked it.

I suspect part of that may be Jason Bateman, however. Also, I figured out from the trailer that Charlize Theron's character was like Hancock, and I like being proven right about my weird ability to see plot twists from a mile away.
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( 77 comments — Leave a comment )

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