August 17th, 2008

DW: fearjoywonder

THIS. Is to combat dehydration

I'm not intimidated really, I just couldn't remember what the mood icon looked like.

Hello. I went up north for a couple of days only to discover that a Tory thinktank are recommending that the north be abandoned to the wolves because it's a wasteland and that millions more people should come to live in the south. I would take it more seriously if the bloke who had written the report sounded less like the cartoon Toryboy. Really, there's not enough eyerolling in the world.

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So something extremely odd happened to me on Friday.

Apparently I drove out to Barking and bought a SHEDLOAD of crack, which I smoked. I then soaked a hankerchief in poppers and tied it under my nose, before drinking an entire bottle of absinthe, chased down with some blotting paper LSD, which I had pasted onto the contents of a tube of Refreshers. Lovely.

Dodging several giant purple platypuses who were singing some of the more exciting parts of the musical Miss Saigon, I found myself in the post-industrial wasteland which is Gallion's Reach, with its constant fug of part-processed faecal matter and exhaust fumes (it's a delightful part of the world; in a more charming incarnation it was home to the largest gasworks in Europe). In a smackhead daze, I wandered into a large square building with lots of adverts on the front and discovered a large darkened room.

As I sat down next to Napoleon (a bugger for hogging the popcorn) and Amelia Earhart (so that's where she went!), suddenly, as if by magic, giant pictures appeared on a black screen.

Meryl Streep appeared on my screen and began declaiming European pop lyrics as though they were Ibsen, young men danced in *flippers* and Pierce Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan James Bond 007 Pierce Brosnan starting singing. And he sings like I do the pole vault. Which is to say, OH, GOD and NO.

And lo, I found myself watching what is possibly the worst utterly brilliant movie I have seen since Shining Through

The absinthe, crack, poppers and LSD is the only explanation for it, because surely no one could possibly have thought *any* of that was a good idea.

Mamma Mia is genius. Such a terrible film, such good fun.
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    Silent Spring - Massive Attack