K. (infinitemonkeys) wrote,

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"It's not messy, it's a paint effect..."

I blow kisses at lore, se_parsons, 2manytomatoes, qowf and kellykeil for the info. Thanks.

There were many bits, some the ne plus ultra of TMI, so I won't sport with your intelligence by talking about those, but the bit that concerned me was me and my mum in my house. And she said "I don't want to stay here, it's dirty and it has a creepy feeling"

Given that I have two (possibly more, dunno yet) people coming to stay next week and then my aunt (who I have met, five times *tops* and who is so very definitely going to look down on my furniturelessness) arriving shortly afterwards, I have to say to my subconscious: "Subconscious, could you be more banal?"

I mean, seriously, could you not dress it up with psychedelic elephants and dancing weasels and flying carpets and fireworks and such? Dammit, I want interesting metaphorical dreams with weird stories, like I had when I was younger. (Although they sometimes involved snakes, so maybe not. Note: I was *seven*. I was scared of snakes, because of the slithering and the biting. Nothing more. Bloody Freud.)

It's weird how I don't mind reading about people's dreams on LJ whereas if someone tried to analyse their dreams in the pub I would run a mile.

When we're all in the lift going down to hell, we'll be trapped with four people, one of whom is picking his nose and eating it, one of whom has B.O. that would stun a wildebeest at 50 yards and one of whom is humming Celine Dion.

And the fourth looks kinda normal and sound, and isn't wearing scary clothes and doesn't have that knife-glint grin of the unhinged, so you turn to him and say "hello" and he smiles gently, and says "let me tell you about this dream I had last night..." *g*

But on LJ, there's contemplation and context and that feels more interesting. Plus the distance imposed by being connected only through words helps mitigate the voyeuristic aspects that make me so uncomfortable when it's in person.

* * *

I have finally managed get the guest room painted. Third coat of paint, getting lighter and lighter because it makes the room look small if the paint is dark. It is now "frost green". With patches of mid-aqua showing through where I fouled up.

But I got to 10pm last night, trying to cover up the blue and then chucked the brush down and muttered "Fuck it! It's a paint effect!"

Maybe I am not cut out for home improvement.

Anyway, as long as I can get the shelves built before Tuesday, I shall be happy. Which means actual carpentry rather than putting together a flatpack. Eek.

I also found a new IKEA store which is closer than the old IKEA store. This means I have now waved farewell to 200 quid to those buggers in three weeks. More to come. Good to know I am aiding the Swedish economy.

I have to report that the current temperature in downtown London is bloody cold. Where has our summer gone? Why is it permanently pissing down with rain, dammit? London is far too uptight in summer already, without the sun deciding that it can't be arsed to make an appearance.

It had better be better next week.

* * *
I have to share my favourite news story of this week, possibly this year, from Reuters.

If you read nothing else today, read this. Expect the slash shortly.

Forget palm-reading. A blind German psychic claimed on Tuesday he could read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks.

Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people’s backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny.

“The bottom is much more intense - it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience,” Buck told Reuters. “It goes on developing throughout your life.”

By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client’s posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness.

He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards.

“I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew,” Buck said. “I am not a new-age freak. I treat people with great care and conscientiousness.”

Buck, who lives in the northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.

He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.

“All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without recognising them again in the future.” Buck has been blind since the age of three.

Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock readers can make a broad-brush assessment of people’s personalities.

“An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life,” he said. “A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth.”

He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people’s futures.

“I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me,” he said.
Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book, and says a stockbroker has been using his services for over two years.

“No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about future stock prices if they didn’t believe I could to it,” he said.

God, I love Reuters.

Though the editors should perhaps have nixed the use of the word "probe" *g*
Tags: amusing news

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