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They're going to turn Lord of the Rings into a West End musical. Or rather, they're going to turn Pete Jackson's version of LoTR into an eight million quid production with lyrics by Bloke Youveneverheardof and music by A. N. Otherhack.

Imagine it now: children playing the hobbits -- or perhaps genuine dwarves! Yay for Theatrical People of Smaller Stature getting work aside from panto!

A kickline of Uruk-Hai! A heavenly duet wherein Aragorn and Legolas sing of their love...!

Oh wait, that was just the fanfic wasn't it.

Is Gollum going to get a solo number called "My Precious"? Perhaps he could just sing a rousing chorus of "I is what I is"

Seriously, what in hell are the songs going to be?

Oh, dear Beelzebub and all his little satanic pixies, some days I love the news.

* * *

The football season ends this week, which means there's only four long months of the inexplicableness that is cricket to watch. On Monday there was the play-off final, wherein Division One teams play for the honour of getting the last berth in the big money division -- The Premiership. Sheffield United versus Wolverhampton Wanderers. Blades vs Wolves.

(The Blades, btw, are Sean Bean's team. He has 100% Blades tattooed somewhere about his person. Shoulder, I think. This becomes germane later in the ramble)

It was rather odd in our office, which is dominated by men and thus football-obsessed, as the Night Production Editor and the Night Editor were on opposite sides of the divide. So there was good-natured animosity about it as they put the game on the big screen (it's 6ft x 4ft and it's supposed to show news but almost never does)

The Night Editor rang the office from Barbados to find out the final score. I think his team had lost at this stage so often that he didn't even want to be near a TV to watch it. Anyway this time they won, and the NPE came in yesterday looking like his cat had just been run over. Even his usual spikey hair was flat.

I mention this because I amused myself by wondering whether any RPSers had taken into account the first division play-off final in Cardiff.

Are there stories out there about Sean Bean, desolate that his beloved Blades have lost the chance to move to the big money league after a season in which they reached two cup semi-finals, wandering the streets of Cardiff in an alcoholic state of melancholia, while Viggo tries to comfort him and reassure him that next year, yes, they *will* see the Blades triumph over such colossi of football as Rotherham United, Millwall and Preston North End?

Perhaps they sing a rousing chorus of "Who ate all the pies?" or "He's fat, he's round, he bounces on the ground, Sam Gamgeeeee!, Sam Gamgeee!" to Sean Astin over the mobile phone.

Call up Brad Dourif to deliver a few verses of "Who's the bastard in the black"

Maybe -- knowing that the cameras will pick them out in a crowd -- they wear purple and grey baseball hats, as a shoutout to the neverendingyetoppressed!love of Dominic and Elijah?

Indeed, are there stories in which, depressed by the footballing disaster of Wolves winning three-nil, they drive the car to Mumbles and call on Catherine Zeta-Jones for tea?

Ah, it's fun having a baroque imagination, knowledge of football chants and snacky's links to hollyweird.

* * *

The Inland Revenue wants a hundred quid fine because I didn't fill out a tax return form.

I didn't *get* a tax return form. (They sent it to the flat from three addresses ago, where I haven't lived this century) The only thing I got was a letter saying "We don't think this is your address. Is it?". Which was sent to my home address.

Eh. I called them and we sorted it out and I may not even get fined, which would be nice because I just paid off almost two thousand quid on my credit card and I'm a leetle stony.

And people wonder why Kafka was the way he was.

So I have seven days to fill out a tax return and the knowledge that I will now be doing this for the rest of my life. I was hoping I might escape for a little while longer.

I fart in their general direction.

* * *

Aside from the blessed albino squirrel, another story I was involved with yesterday was the declaration by Hu Jintao and Vladimir Putin in Moscow yesterday in which they implicitly condemned the US occupation of Iraq and said that they stood for "a multipolar, just and democratic world order" on the basis of international law.

*cough* Tibet. Chechnya. Tiananmen Square. The Moscow theatre siege.

Lots of us have issues with the way this is being carried out, and plenty of people think that a multipolar world order would be a splendid, if unlikely-to-happen thing given the existence of Donald Rumsfeld, but Moscow and Beijing lecturing Washington about "just and democratic" governance is a bit bloody rich.

* * *

One more day of schoo... sorry, *work* to go and then I'm free! Free! for two whole days.

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Comments

snacky
May. 28th, 2003 05:31 pm (UTC)
Ooo, tough questions. *g*

Okay, short version: hollyweirdos is an RPG based on a real message board, where fans of Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan post in "support" of them. These fans believe that a) Elijah and Dom are a couple who are b) being forcibly closeted the "the PR" and that there is c) a huge multi-media conspiracy to hide "teh Gay" from the insanely homophobic public, who would d) stage a massive boycott of LOTR if they discovered that two of the hobbits were making with the big nasty. Elijah and Dom (codenamed Domlijah) are e) sending secret messages to the fans that post on this message board (via their clothing choices - in real life, orange and yellow are the colors, coded messages during TV and magazine interviews, and positions in photographs, etc.) to confirm that they are, indeed, gay and that they are grateful for these fans' support.

Other elements in this conspiracy theory include: Sean Astin is obsessed with Elijah Wood and is both secretly gay and scarily homophobic (and may have "forced himself" on a young and innocent Elijah during the filming of LOTR); Ian McKellen is not really a gay activist and is lying about his costars' sexuality; fans who light candles in support of the One True Domlijah; Elijah Wood as a figure of great importance, compared to MLK, Ghandi, and Mother Teresa; murderous homophobic teenage girls, known collectively as The Briannas; the bearding of both the actors, Elijah with Franka Potente, and Dom with Billy Boyd (because the public can accept *those* two hobbits together, but not any others), who is also secretly in love with Dom; and most recently, that Dominic Monaghan is a big fat liar.

::deep breath::

That's all the "true" part - true in the sense that the RPG players didn't make it up. The people in the RPG took all that stuff and spun off with it into the insane "Hollyweirdos" message board. Drugged mangoes, anonymice, eval kittens, "Titanic 2: Jack's Brother Takes the Lusitania" and all the rest came out of their imaginations.

They are not, to the best of my knowledge, smoking anything. ;-)

Really, that *is* the short version.

The latest image: The Nazgul as a finger-popping barbershop group.

Bwahahahahahaha! I'm picturing them singing the quartet's songs from "The Music Man."
infinitemonkeys
May. 29th, 2003 03:14 am (UTC)
Oh thank you.

I knew it was RPG based on the data lounge insanity but I wasn't sure whether some of the people on there were DL acolytes proudly wearing their tinfoil hats in public and getting outraged at the mockery, or fauxDL people, only pretending to be COMPLETELY INSANE.

Though I do love the_pr and wish he/she/it was real.