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Let the snot run free!

I would just like to apologise for the current world situation with regard to mucus.

I realise that the world shortage of nasal effluvia in both its green and grey variations is bothersome to people currently experiencing colds who cannot skive off work because they don't sound ill enough, and I assure you that it was never my intention to monopolise the world snot supply.

It's just that since being saddled with The Most Vile Cold In Fecking Christendom, I would appear to be using all the snot right now. This was never my intention or my ambition.

I suggest that perhaps if you put off having a cold for say, a week or so -- perhaps substituting a nasty case of tonsilitis or bunion flare-up if you need some time off work -- then you may well find that next time you find a window in your diary for acute nasopharyngitis, there will be adequate supplies of snot for your nose-blowing pleasure.

In the meantime, while I am hoarding the snot, I suggest that those of you with shares in tissue manufacturers, or the makers of Lemsip Cold And Flu Powders, get ready to party. There's been a run on your products in the East London area and you're going to be rich.

Not that I am feeling sorry for myself or anything.

* * *

I see the MI5 challenge. Interesting.

You might have to do a bit of work to make the crossovers work given that MI5 deal with domestic terrorism rather than international threats, and it would really be easier if Spooks were about MI6, but then ...

... what am I saying? Fandom can give wings to policemen who are rougher than a badger's arse and make men pregnant, so I don't think that British intelligence agency policy remits are going to pose too much problem. < g >

I've been rewatching Spooks, bless its preposterous little heart, while painting the living room, but you in the US are getting to some episodes I have not seen yet, due to flatmate issues. (I saw all up to S2e02, then missed ones here and there) Does anyone know of a BitTorrent site which would have the episodes? I didn't check into BitTorrent for a month or two this year and all my favourite sites have been replaced by porn emporiums.

The S2 DVDs are being released to coincide with the start of S3 in the UK, in autumn 2004. Autumn 2004. Oh, the humanity! And I can't tape them off UK Gold due to the flatmate issues. Even though it's my TV, my video and my house and I pay for the cable. I am a little frustrated about this.

* * *

This is part of something larger, which may be going nowhere. But it's a slashy nowhere.

* * *

"Are you going to the funeral?"

"No." Blunt, with little elaboration, like all the best untruths. Harry sighed.

After Tom had swept out of the office, Harry stared at Zoe and nodded a head, inviting her into the red maw of his office. He ushered her in, closed the door and pressed a newspaper cutting into her hand. "Silly bugger's going to pay his respects," Harry snapped. "Try to make sure he does it from a safe distance, will you?"

"Should I take Danny?"

Harry made a soft impatient sound and flung himself back into his desk chair. "Does it really take both of you to hold Tom's hands and sing Kum Ba Yah?"

"It could help, sir. Make him feel it's more a gesture of solidarity than a rescue mission."

She didn't flinch at his sarcasm. Good girl. And it would do Danny good to have a few hours away from his punishment; make it all the harder when he had to go back to it. "I suppose so," Harry said. "I want all three of you back by 3pm."

* * *

Zoe unfolded the cutting, cheap newsprint blacking her fingers. Danny sliced through the traffic on the A13 in one of the staff Jaguars; it was all expensive-smelling leather seating and cedar panels. Danny was taunting coppers and spy-cameras with his speed, in the safe knowledge that his ID card gave him a Teflon coating. Working off some of that frustration.

Five didn't send mourners to its people's funerals as a rule. Bosses sometimes went to represent the department, and everyone else went to a secure wake, where they could get stinking drunk and tell lies about the wars.

Only Helen's funeral had been different so far, because Helen's death had been different in ways Zoe couldn't let herself think about yet.

The death notice had been placed by Peter Salter's elderly aunt. She thought he had been a middle manager at the Ministry of Defence, prone to being posted abroad for long periods, and that he had died of a heart attack. She lived in Ilford, so the funeral would be in Manor Park, and no one who even knew who Peter Salter was would be in attendance.

Except maybe Tom. No one knew how Salter had spotted that young Tom, on his straight and narrow path to a career in banking, was actually a twisty, crafty bastard. It always seemed as though he had been open and honest, even generous with the facts. You basked in the way he trusted you. But when you examined what he had actually told you, you had a handful of ashes and pretty smoke.

It was a confidence trick Zoe wanted to master. She wondered whether he'd learned it from Peter Salter.

* * *

The latest film that British film-makers are hoping will take off in the US is Calendar Girls, which is a comedy based on a true story, about a bunch of middle-aged women from a Yorkshire branch of the WI posing for a (tasteful) nude calendar to raise money for leukaemia research.

I realise that this follows on from The Full Monty, in which a bunch of steelworkers from Yorkshire posed nude in order to find pride in their manliness following their (virtual) emasculation via loss of job in the deindustrialisation of the north etc etc blah blah O-level sociology thesiscakes and thus it might appear that northern Britain is a hotbed of nudity-leading-to-freedom-of-the-spirit!

I am from Yorkshire and please let me reassure you that the hills are NOT alive with the sound of stripping. Apart from anything else it is too cold. If you go to Yorkshire, people are not likely to start shedding outerwear or underwear thus leading to unpleasant flesh/eye interfaces. It's all a coincidence.

The film is written by Tim Firth, who also wrote a lovely, meandering, funny and strange series about the territorial army, so I have hopes that I can persuade fialka to see it tonight.


( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 5th, 2003 08:48 am (UTC)
You astound me.

You can make having a cold sound funny.

I am sorry, however, that you have the cold, and that it is so nasty. Hope you get better soon.
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:15 am (UTC)
Thank you. I am blushing.

I do feel much better now -- though I am still whingeing *g*
Sep. 5th, 2003 08:52 am (UTC)
I assure you, there is no world shortage of mucus here. If you want to abduct my allergies, you're quite welcome to do so.

My left eye has been watering for a week. Not the right one, just the left one. It's disconcerting. I want it to stop.

The snippet is very ... clean and crisp. I like it. I want more!
Sep. 5th, 2003 08:56 am (UTC)
Am truly sorry about the snot situation (<-not a sentence I get to write very often) and hope that your monopoly is soon over.

The snippet is lovely but only left me wanting more, more, more, please. If I tape MI-5 for you can you watch it? (Do you have a multi-system sytem?) Would be happy to do so.

Hope you have a good weekend.
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:17 am (UTC)
Thanks very much for the offer. I am hoping that UK Gold will get to run them this winter or perhaps the BBC will shove them in during the repeats season, and I can negotiate with T over taping them.

Hope you had one too.
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:02 am (UTC)
I fear you only have the East London supply of mucus and related products. Over here in West London, I'm still coughing after a month, so I'd say that it's very likely that we've divided the spoils between us. :-(

As for Spooks: since when did The X-Files being about one of the US's domestic law enforcement agencies ever stop Fox Mulder from jumping on a plane to Hong Kong or Russia or Alaska at the drop of a hat? You only have to squint and try to forget that Spooks is aiming at a little more verisimilitude and apply the same rules...
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:23 am (UTC)
I fear you only have the East London supply of mucus and related products. Over here in West London, I'm still coughing after a month, so I'd say that it's very likely that we've divided the spoils between us. :-(

Ugh, that sounds like a hideous case.

And as for the XF comparison, uh... yes. I don't know what I was thinking of putting up any objection at all. It's not as if Spooks isn't winningly daft at the best of times. Ah, the love of a good show...
Sep. 8th, 2003 12:33 pm (UTC)
All the Spooks/MI-5 love is, in fact, worryingly addictive. I watched, enjoyed, but did not tape... so the outbreak of adoration occasioned by its airing in the US has made me break down and order the DVDs...
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:04 am (UTC)
I am sorry about the snot, and hope you feel better soon.

Because if you feel better soon, you'll write more? Please? More more more more more?

I love Harry. Such a bastard: Harry made a soft impatient sound and flung himself back into his desk chair. "Does it really take both of you to hold Tom's hands and sing Kum Ba Yah?"

But funny about it.
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:07 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're sick; doubly so for the strange pleasure I derived from your description of it.

Here, try one of these:
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:27 am (UTC)
Ah, Slimearoa, the ancient Polynesian god of snot...

That's fabulous
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
I find chamomile tea to be very comforting when I'm ill. It doesn't help or anything, but it is comforting.

I KNEW I should have bought that Kleenex stock. Damn!
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)
Hey U--

U R a bitch. U hogged my snot. i hate U. i will pop U, U snot hogger. We got lines for snot 2 mi long U bitch.
Gimme my snot or else. U prob R a queer 2.

A fan

Sep. 8th, 2003 04:32 am (UTC)

R U goin to come over H33r and take my snot? I'd like 2C u try!

& U R a queer right back. I cant beleeve how immachure ur insult was.

Sep. 9th, 2003 06:32 pm (UTC)
C U cow.

Sep. 5th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC)
Sorry about the snot, but now I do hope you keep on feeling sorry for yourself. If only there was a way to get that snot free. But I'm afraid, you're just going to have to go on suffering for the sake of your writing. It's for the best.

OK, get the hell better. The world needs its snot back.
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:34 am (UTC)
I suppose I am only allowed part-time custody of the snot. Dammit. And I was on vacation from work this week and so could not skive.
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:26 am (UTC)
ack! at the snot-monopoly. Maybe you can shuttle it all off to some offshore holding company for safe keeping?

Love the snippet. Love it. More, please?
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:27 am (UTC)
You are just too much! In the best way possible you know. *g* So nasty sick and yet still so able to be funny.

I do hope you feel much better soon. As for the flatmate issues - can't you use the snot issues for threatening? Wield the power of the snot!
Sep. 5th, 2003 09:45 am (UTC)
Feel better. Bourbon and theraflu, I promise it will cure you and if it doesn't you will no longer care about the snot, because you will be happy and warm and floaty. And inclined towards creativity.

Sep. 5th, 2003 10:23 am (UTC)
Lovely, lovely Spooks fic. Thanks for posting, even a snippet.

And while you have the European corner on the snot market, I believe I have the North American market all to myself. ::sniff:: ::hack::
Sep. 5th, 2003 11:19 am (UTC)
Seriously, your paper needs to let someone else do whatever it is you do over there, and let you write a daily column. Tell them so.
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:37 am (UTC)
R, your icon is just *wrong* and I mean that in an 'oh my god, it's fabulous' way
Sep. 8th, 2003 09:16 am (UTC)
I cannot take credit for my Very Wrong Icon... it was made by some crazyass freak named tgrupert. And yes, it even ascares ME.

Hope your snot has gone.
Sep. 5th, 2003 06:27 pm (UTC)
My grandad was from Yorkshire. He never mentioned mass stripping as a local hobby.

I'm sorry you have a cold, but you did make me giggle semi-hysterically when you were describing it.
Sep. 8th, 2003 04:39 am (UTC)
Thank you. And the icon! Is that a Steerpike version or is JRM just looking generally surly as himself?
Sep. 8th, 2003 06:23 pm (UTC)
That is JRM looking surly in-mid confrontation with the extremely conservative "Indian girls don't play football" father of one of his players, in Bend It Like Beckham. I actually wanted the shot of him (from the same movie) in a white linen open-necked shirt, but there didn't seem to be any screen grabs of it.

Have not yet seen Gormenghast, although I hope to be able to rent it or something when I'm in England over Xmas. I'm told it's easier to find there. I couldn't find it in any video shops here, would've had to buy an import at something ridiculous like $60. Nuh uh.
Sep. 6th, 2003 11:32 am (UTC)
Whoot! MI-5 fic! This, I like. More, please!

Snot, not so much. But at least on your end it's helping with creativity... me, not so much. :P

Feel better soon. {{{{ K }}}}
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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