Most of this week's news has made my hair stand on end. All that I have left to me is mockery. Still -- two news stories:


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) -- TOP executives at Fox television said Tuesday that the struggling network is to break with traditional broadcasting practice by pre-cancelling any of its scripted shows which seem unlikely to grab ratings.

"Recent experience has shown us that we accrue nothing but bad publicity and ill-will from a small sector of the viewing public and critics by cancelling acclaimed shows after six or seven episodes," said Randy Auldgoate. "For example, Wonderfalls, Firefly and Century City were all taken off the air with unshown episodes in the can and networks have received a pounding from the critics for it.

"We feel this is due to the unfair expectations of a tiny minority of liberals in the media who expect everyone to endure their elitist concepts of story-telling, such as so-called 'character arcs', 'building an audience' and 'continuity'. They claim we are dumbing down by relying on the reality shows which ordinary good-hearted Americans so enjoy.

"Therefore, in future, we plan to cancel many of our biggest critical successes right off the bat, to save valuable time and critical goodwill and we can get back to programming for our most important demographics."

He said the shift was dictated by changing imperatives in the television business, which has seen its vital male 18-34 demographic enticed away by video games, the internet and the joys of chronic masturbation.

Auldgoate said that Fox would also be launching a new limited rollout cable channel, FX 3, which would broadcast a some of these pre-cancelled shows to a small audience, thus ensuring that the network fulfilled contractual obligations to "the kind of loudmouthed, internet-savvy asshole producers who like to start media campaigns and get the nerds all riled up".

"This was an approach pioneered by the BBC," said Auldgoate, "they gave golden-handcuff deals to many hot new 'stars' who subsequently proved to be about as hot as last month's oatmeal. Rather than paying them off for nothing, they broadcast their shows on BBC3, where they remained safely unseen by millions. Some episodes of Johnny Vaughan's BBC3 chatshow may have been seen by as many as three men and a dog in Neasden."

Fox's 2004 fall line-up includes
**three out of 14 commissioned episodes of "Dirty Raskol", an updating of the Dostoyevsky classic Crime & Punishment, set in 22nd century New Jersey;

**10 out of 22 episodes of "Leap-E", a drama about a tough street rapper of diminished stature who discovers that he is in fact a leprechaun and is fated to fight crime;

**"Feavor's Pitch", starring Rob Lowe as an idealistic widowed advertising executive with two small cute daughters, who decides to go into politics after a tragic hair loss incident. Despite it being "nothing like that other show at all", Fox executives have proclaimed themselves "very excited" about the prospect of pre-cancelling it at about the eight or nine-episode mark.

These will be replaced by

** seasons three and four of "American Idol", which will run concurrently on alternate nights;

** "Snuff Island", in which ten divorcing couples are taken to a desert island and allowed to commit adultery with each other while hunting down their exes with large pointy sticks; and

** "America's Biggest Knockers", hosted by Pamela Anderson and Ryan 'face like an arse' Seacrest.

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'CALL YOURSELF A GANG? YOU'RE F***ING PATHETIC!' LONDON SOCCER HOOLIGANS TELL TERRORISTS

LONDON (Associated Press) Following the news that British and American Intelligence managed to foil an al-Qaida inspired attack on the London Underground which would have combined explosives and the irritant osmium tetroxide, a leading member of one of London's most notorious hooligan gangs said that the Islamist extremists were "useless" and "just weren't trying hard enough".

In a clash of 'wits' between two of London's most nauseating groups -- violent Islamists and cranially-challenged half-wit hooligans -- Darren "Nasher" Nash, a former member of West Ham's notorious InterCity Firm of organised thugs said the Islamist terrorists had badly bungled their attack.

"Call yourself a gang? You're f***ing pathetic," he said. "You couldn't even explode a bomb without those f***ing pansy wankers from MI5 catching you.

"And what's all this Osmium tetroxide shite? In my day we used proper chemistry -- well, alcohols anyway. I mean OsO4, that's just f***ing bollocks, innit? That's chemistry for ponces. Where's the f***ing sarin? Or the ricin? Them's poisons for f***ing *men*. Osmium tetroxide is for *birds*. Or the French."

Swigging from a can of Special Brew, 37-year-old Mr Nash, who works as a Kwiksave security guard and lives with his mum, said that he and his gang planned to challenge any Islamist terrorists in the Dagenham and Redbridge area to a fight in the car park of the Vicarage Field Shopping Centre off Ripple Road in Barking.

He added: "And you can tell 'em I said that Osama bin Laden is a sheep-bothering wanker."

Asked about the terror plot to blow up a London Underground train using a chemical irritant, the prime minister, Tony Blair, said: "Shock and horror of ordinary Britons. Evil Terrorist Threat. We shall fight them on the beaches; we shall never surrender. Brave security services. Eternal vigilance and fewer civil liberties FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. No full sentences. Pseudo-Churchillian rhetoric. Trust Me. Love Me. Vote Labour." Stern Headmaster Face then Winsome Bambi Eyes at camera to finish

In a MORI poll conducted for The Daily Wail yesterday,
13% of Londoners said they were scared to go on the Tube but
98% said they would take the Tube anyway;
23% said they thought Osmium Tetroxide could only improve the smell of the carriages on the Northern Line;
and 64% said "Sod those insane bastards, may they rot; we're off down the pub as normal."

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