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Greetings from the European Snot Repository, just to the side of central London.

There's a lesson in here somewhere about the inadvisibility of gloating about having lots of time off: karma will always bite you in the nether portions. I spent Saturday feeling vaguely sick and whiny but supposed it would be like most colds, wherein I feel miserable for a couple of days and then carry on, tank-like.

Instead, this turned into a thorough-going disaster. Five days of earache so bad I can't sleep, inability to breathe, a sore throat, streaming eyes and coughing. I couldn't do much of anything, except I had to be out of the house every day before 9am for hospital appointments and visits that could not be put off. This seemed cruel and unusual. I lost my voice and was only able to emit a faint, farting parp of a laugh and some strange hissing sounds in lieu of conversation.

You can tell I'm much better today because I'm feeling very cheerful, having a good wallow in my own misery and thanking the lord that I don't have pneumonia like some of you poor souls. It's one of those things I would have called flu until I actually caught flu once and realised how that's quite a distance from a mere cold. I don't get ill at all often so I like to make the most of the self-pity opportunities.

Meanwhile, I've been up to the hospital and had a bit chopped out of my leg. That was also less fun that you might think. I'm not allowed to get the stitches wet for 48 hours. I suppose that duct-taping a Sainsbury's bag around my calf so I can get a bloody shower isn't really on.

Today I'm just sort of knackered and reeking of Olbas Oil and oozing from various facial orifices. It's really very attractive.

As I caught the bus amid the great unwashed of our nation's fair capital two lads were excitedly discussing (I think) the unfortunate liquid-based sexual fetishes of a certain footballer, which made me wonder if there are people who fetishise snot, given that almost any other fluid or household object is game for the fevered sexual attentions of someone or other.

Do strange little men in grubby raincoats approach Ladies Who Are Not Waiting For The Bus and ask to be coughed on?

"'Ere, darlin', have you got a cold?"
"Yeah, streaming"
"Is it really bad? Do you want to … sneeze?"
"Might do. What you offerin'?"
"Is your nose dripping? Do you want ... a tissue? Would you like to …" Inarticulate sound of lust "…give it a blow? "
"You filthy sod"
"I suppose a pholcodeine's out of the question?"

*cough* Anyway. If they do, I'm sure there's a support group on the internet, where they happily discuss Benylin and Tixylix and the best uses of Vicks Vaporub, and people get into fights over the best brand of tissue then claim that the lurkers support them in email.

ETA: And the internet will provide in our time of nosiness

* * *

Aside from feeling like three slices of wet arse on a shit sandwich and not being able to get anything done, I'm actually having a pretty fortunate week:

1) While I was a bit out of commission, some lovely person gave me a year's supply of user pictures, which was exceedingly kind and most unexpected. If the person doesn't wish to remain anonymous, I'd be happy to make icons or something as a thank you.

2) Thanks to some kind of tax loophole thingie, I've got hold of an 80GB, 512MB RAM 17" iMac G5 via the government's IT Through Work scheme. It's a lease-to-buy sort of thing which means you pay about £ less than the retail value and after three years you hold the ownership outright. Meanwhile, there's a three-year warranty. God bless you, Gordon Brown.

It is, let us be frank, an utterly beautiful piece of design and so fast. You stick a CD in to import the tracks and it just sucks them down like a bad sexual metaphor. You can get a CD imported in about 30 seconds. I have an inappropriate level of love for it.

ETA: Though I appear to have hit my first IT difficulty while attempting to import Elton John Greatest Hits for the Bad Seventies Section of my iTunes playlist -- it hung up. When my car got stolen, I had *that very CD* in the car. And the thieves stole the CD player from the wrecked car but took the CD out of the player and left it in the car (to which my mother said "I'm not bloody surprised". She's not an Elton fan) The only possible conclusion is that the Elton John CD has bad juju and should be exorcised. Or possibly sold. I don't even like it that much anyway.

Now iTunes is happily sucking on Peter Gabriel [insert yer own double entendre here] and it seems to be working out fine.

3) The government has decided that my tax returns are so tedious and monothematic that they're not going to require me to fill one in for the next four years unless my circumstances change hugely or I make shedloads of money. Unlikely. *dances*

I hope you are all well and cheery as we head towards the holiday season in much the same way as a lemming approaches vertiginous windy places. xsabx, it's lovely to see you about again.

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
noelleleithe
Dec. 9th, 2004 01:57 pm (UTC)
it just sucks them down like a bad sexual metaphor

Oh, how I do adore you so.
kirbyfest
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:24 pm (UTC)
This was going to be my quote and my comment, so I'll just point up at Shannon and nod.

Take care of your leg.
xsabx
Dec. 9th, 2004 02:03 pm (UTC)
Suggestions
1. Green and Black's Dark for the cough. The scientists weren't joking, it really does work
2. Lemon and honey is boring as heck, but will also make a nice change from Eau de Olbas.
3. Your EJ disk is likely to be one of the few the Mac won't stomach. My Kings of Leon is the same, so I went round the houses and copied it another way. You'll work it out. Oh, and if you want to cheat, a copy of Acquisition for the Mac is very useful, if you don't have one already.

Good to be back, albeit on something of a Bodily Work to Rule. I am told that I am getting better, and if the blokes with the White Coats are doing the saying, then who am I to argue...

infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:40 pm (UTC)
Re: Suggestions
1. I don't suppose a bag of Maltesers would do?
2. Good point.
3. Ah, yes. Was it the first KoL or Aha Shake Heartbreak that failed? I haven't tried to import my KoL album yet but it did import Spiritualized's Complete Works Vol I, which the laptop baulked at.

Also, do you like The Zutons?
Re: Suggestions - xsabx - Dec. 10th, 2004 04:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
vaznetti
Dec. 9th, 2004 02:20 pm (UTC)
3) The government has decided that my tax returns are so tedious and monothematic that they're not going to require me to fill one in for the next four years unless my circumstances change hugely or I make shedloads of money. Unlikely. *dances*

I had no idea the government would do this--I thought self-assessment was an eternal curse. The BH and I must figure out a way to qualify!
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:42 pm (UTC)
Does the BH have one job providing one income stream PAYE?Did he get the short-form tax return this year?

If he gets income from anywhere else, I think maybe he's stuffed. As far as I can work out, it's that even when I do outside work, it's for the same company so they might as well have me on PAYE internal tax reckoning and save themselves the postage.

But yes, I'd thought I would have to fill out one of those damned forms until the day I died and the temporary respite is confusing but good *g*
minnow1212
Dec. 9th, 2004 02:54 pm (UTC)
>The government has decided that my tax returns are so tedious and monothematic that they're not going to require me to fill one in for the next four years unless my circumstances change hugely or I make shedloads of money. Unlikely.<

Wow. I had no idea that the world could work in such a way.

>which made me wonder if there are people who fetishise snot<

:laughs hollowly: I remember running across an archive of cold-fic once. I forget what fandom, or perhaps it was cross-fandoms, but it was all about people who had colds and their romantic entanglements.

I *think* they were mostly so that people would have the opportunity to take care of their sweethearts, and thus more a subset of h/c in general than a direct fetishization of snot and/or vomit.

Hope you feel better soon.
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:45 pm (UTC)
Wow. I had no idea that the world could work in such a way

Nor I. I expect to see water going down the plughole the wrong way in the bathroom tonight and possibly birds flying backwards and horses giving birth to kittens a la Macbeth

:laughs hollowly: I remember running across an archive of cold-fic once. I forget what fandom, or perhaps it was cross-fandoms, but it was all about people who had colds and their romantic entanglements.

I *think* they were mostly so that people would have the opportunity to take care of their sweethearts, and thus more a subset of h/c in general than a direct fetishization of snot and/or vomit.


NO. Really? My God, I *love* fandom. I'll probably go spelunking for that tonight just to see that it's there. Sort of like Hillary and Everest, only with no actual achievement
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - infinitemonkeys - Dec. 9th, 2004 06:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ropo - Dec. 9th, 2004 08:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - barkley - Dec. 10th, 2004 02:12 am (UTC) - Expand
lilydale
Dec. 9th, 2004 03:30 pm (UTC)
You always have the most fascinating holidays!

Also, feel better soon! Stay away from pants in the meantime. ;-)
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:49 pm (UTC)
Oh you know I have no pants on right now



It strikes me that private jokes never really translate so well, eh? *g*
(no subject) - lilydale - Dec. 9th, 2004 07:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
angstville
Dec. 9th, 2004 03:47 pm (UTC)
Good to see you around these parts! Color me jealous about the new computer, but it's good you have something occupying yourself while you should be recuperating! Feel better!
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm good, really. Soon as the snot goes and the voice comes back I'll be right as rain.
sophia_helix
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:04 pm (UTC)
I regret to inform you that, according to Dan Savage's sex advice column, there are people who fetishize sneezes. May I suggest trolling usenet? *g*

Feel better soon.
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:50 pm (UTC)
Brings a whole new meaning to snuff porn, doesn't it *g*
sharinlilbit
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:18 pm (UTC)
Current Mood: I have a HOLE in my LEG, you know *g*

LOL! Oh, been there, done that, still got the HOLE...you have my deepest, most understanding sympathies! And may I offer a piece of advice on the care and treatment of said hole, if it should be all oozy? Forget buying expensive gauze -- just tape a Kotex to it. *g*

I hope you and your snot are soon parted! {{{{{K}}}}}
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:04 pm (UTC)
Oh goodness, I am a mere grasshopper to your grandmaster in the matter of legholes and I am hoping that nothing will go further awry but if it does, I shall definitely use your tip *g*.

I hope you and your snot are soon parted! {{{{{K}}}}}

Thank you. Presently me and my snot are being parted about once every five seconds but I am hoping for a permanent divorce this weekend *g*
se_parsons
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:51 pm (UTC)
I hope you feel better soon. I am envious of your computer, though my MAC at work does nothing but crash and destroy things so I am skeptical of them.

Hole in your leg?
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:53 pm (UTC)
I went to get a mole checked out on Monday and they decided to vut it out almost straight away, to be on the safe side. It's not really so much of a hole, so long as there's no infection, and it's had stitches. It just itches and I am being melodramatic because I am iiiiiiiiiilllll. Woe! Iiiiiilllll! *g*

I'm feeling way better today, hence posting.
(no subject) - se_parsons - Dec. 9th, 2004 07:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
loligo
Dec. 9th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)
I've got hold of an 80GB, 512MB RAM 17" iMac G5

Hey, I've got the exact same model! Definitely an object worthy of fetish.

Five days of earache so bad I can't sleep, inability to breathe, a sore throat, streaming eyes and coughing.

Hey, I've got the exact same model! Not so worthy of fetish.

I do not, however, have a hole in my leg. You're definitely ahead when it comes to limb maiming.
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:06 pm (UTC)
It is. I am hoping for reports of your adventures with Final Cut Express. That way I can copy emulate your move into vidding *g*
(no subject) - laurashapiro - Dec. 9th, 2004 06:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
cofax7
Dec. 9th, 2004 05:15 pm (UTC)
Egad! A hole?!

Also, my sympathies on the cold. Must be something going around (transmitted by LJ? perish the thought), as I was out of commission for most of the last week as well.

However I'm terribly jealous of your new computer. Perhaps you can take up vidding now... *eg* (Kindly notice how I refuse the new crack, while cheerfully encouraging friends and relations to indulge.)

Congratulations on the tax thing. That's most generous of your guvmint. We should be so lucky.

Please feel better soon! We miss your wit around these parts.
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:09 pm (UTC)
Egad! A hole?!
It's notsobad. I was being all melodramatic because I think I'm funny. It has stitches in it.

I am undecided about the vidding crack. I may see how loligo does first. *g*

Congratulations on the tax thing. That's most generous of your guvmint. We should be so lucky.

Cruelly, it may not last.
laurashapiro
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:06 pm (UTC)
I like it that you're able to be so sick while you're so sick. (:

Do hope you feel better soon, though. Cuz ew.
infinitemonkeys
Dec. 9th, 2004 06:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm sure it'll be better once I stop honking like a disgruntled hippopotamus
ropo
Dec. 9th, 2004 08:36 pm (UTC)
I miss you so when you make posts like this. While sick! ::hugs you, figuratively::
snacky
Dec. 9th, 2004 09:11 pm (UTC)
Am sorry about your leg and the sickness. While I can offer no leg advice, once I received this happy advice for colds: ice cold vodka mixed with orange juice. Vitamin C AND drunkeness, whee!

Also, I am not clicking those links. I have learned my lessons well. NOT CLICKING! NO!
corianderstem
Dec. 10th, 2004 02:53 am (UTC)
I would be very sad if my computer scorned my two-disc Elton John "Greatest Hits" CD. It's a lovely thing. Well, at least the first disc is. *g*
( 35 comments — Leave a comment )

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